From the Ashes - My Suffering

I guess along with rebirth comes some further suffering. It's not the same as the hell she put me through before, but very difficult nonetheless. I can't help but wonder why anyone would choose to live their life by taking joy in others' pain. This is exactly the type of person my ex is. Most anyone who's reading this already knows that. If you don't know that about her yet, you will eventually.

Unfortunately, I made a very poor choice in choosing her as the mother of my children. The bright side of the bright side is that I have two very wonderful children now. I guess somehow from the pits of hell two angels can still be brought to life.

The struggle for me now is knowing that I have to fight for custody against someone who has become, quite literally, a master of manipulation. People who just meet her always fall for her "feel sorry for me" cries for pity. She then uses that to manipulate everyone around her into a web of deceit.

I've been caught up in this web for so long and so many times, it's a miracle I've managed to crawl out before completely succumbing into madness. Being on the outside of the web I see now so many things I was blind to before. I guess I just wanted to believe so badly that there was a decent person in my ex that I chose to ignore a lot. To put in the words of someone I love, "I like to see the best in people too, but you see them through rose colored glasses. You have to know when to realize that a person is not doing good things or being a good person."

I also chose to continue a relationship with my ex under the guise that it was better for the kids. Well now I see that this is not the case. My daughter is only seven and has witnessed behaviors in her own mother that no child should ever have to see. A lot of these incidents are alcohol induced, but not always.

For so long she made me feel to be less than a man by continually degrading me as a person, as a father, and as a human being. I've spent nights trapping myself in my own bedroom, covering my head with blankets and praying to God to, "Please just make her stop". Looking back this sounds kind of ridiculous, but I remember all to well how I felt on each of these occasions.

Several times I wasn't able to barricade the door so I just covered my head and prayed for it to end. It seemed to go on forever with the yelling, more drinking, more intense yelling, more drinking, and then finally when I still hadn't responded it came to her pouncing on me and physically hitting me.

Those were the longest nights of my life. I really wonder if Hell is any worse. Those are the types of things my children witnessed. Those are the types of things that are making me fight so hard to make sure they aren't raised by her full time. I don't want to imagine what kind of things they will go through if I'm not around.

I know a lot of people may wonder why I never called the police. The reason is because when we lived in Spokane and went through similar instances, I did call the police. She went to jail more than once. Upon moving to California I made a promise to never call the police on her again and I felt obligated to that promise. In hindsight, I wish I had thought differently.

On the outside and around other people, she continues to weave her webs. I believed for so long that everyone living in the apartments around us were crazy and were causing problems for my ex. Six months after moving away from that complex she had me convinced that those people were still harassing her. It was a shock (although it shouldn't have been) when I found out that nobody there even cared about her and she was doing things just to keep me feeling sorry for her.

Over the years I have shut out some good people in my life because I thought it would help my relationship with my ex. I want everyone to know that I am sorry for that and I'm so very happy that you never gave up on me. Right now I'm really leaning on all of you and you've all been there willing to help me hold up the weight. I really couldn't ask for better friends and family in this life and I hope you all know that I feel that way.

It seems so unfair that someone like me who genuinely is a good parent has to fight so hard against someone who is only concerned about themselves and retaliation, or just plain being mean. I know my ex loves the children, but I truly believe in my heart that she is not the more adequate parent to raise them. I am now praying to God that justice will prevail and I will be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true.

Making things more difficult is the fact that she has two key people willing to fight for her. One is her sister whom is so entranced by my ex's compliments and friendly behaviors toward her, that she follows my ex like a lost puppy. I have absolutely nothing against Amy, but it is too bad that she has no idea who this person really is.

The other is Gene. To repeat what someone who knows him said, "Gene? You mean that old pervert guy?!!". I have lost all respect for that man as a decent human being. I spent so many years defending him and telling everyone that he is a really good guy and just likes to help people. Boy do I feel dumb now. He is an older man (probably in his 50's) who tends to prey upon young girls in their 20's who don't have much family, or are having a lot of problems. The weak kind. I have recently found out that he is willing to lie just as much as my ex to help her win her case. In my ex's case, I think she is using him more that he is using her. But I'm sure he's getting plenty out of the deal.

All in all, this is what I'm up against. Again I thank everyone for your continued support in seeing me through this. I know a lot of this kind of rambles on, but I feel better having written it.

Much love to all of you!

P.S. After sharing the lyrics for "Blame Me" I've been told there is a more suitable song for me so I'll post those lyrics now. The funny thing is that this song has been my ringtone when my ex calls me for the past year or so. lol.

Seether: Breakdown

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

Worth 1K First Place Entry

Looking back at my blog I realized I never posted my last winning entry on W1K. This was an image manipulation theme.

I turned this:


Into this:


See it on Worth 1000.

From the Ashes - My Rebirth

The past week or so has been very difficult for me and others that I love. In essence, my relationship with Lexi and Avery's mother has reached a definitive end. Now we have the painstaking task of child custody to muddle through. My hopes are for a peaceful solution, but it seems chances are slim for that.

I don't want to share any details online as to my plans or what I think may happen, but I will do my best to keep friends and family updated. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate your continued support. I feel really lucky to have so many people that care about me. Thank You!

I just listened to some lyrics that feel very fitting right now so I'm going to post them. I've also been listening to a "breakup" list that I made on playlist.com.

Adema - Blame Me
I'm always gonna be one life behind
That's why I'm all alone
What's it gonna take to make you see
That we are falling apart
I wonder can we throw away the past
So we can stop the screaming match
I'm not gonna break down anymore
I've found my way to the door

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
It's killing me it's killing me
To watch you leave me

I've tried to talk about what's really wrong
I see that look of discontent
The volume starts to rise and then it's on
That's why I have to go
Dealing with the pain is all that's left
Because we can not get along
You wanna put the blame on me again
I think that we have reached the end

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
It's killing me it's killing me
To watch you leave me

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
You keep blaming me
blaming me for what you do to me.

It's your turn to watch me leave you
It's your turn to watch me leave you
It's your turn to watch me leave you

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
It's killing me it's killing me
To watch you leave me

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
You keep blaming me
blaming me for what you do to me.

Ponder This Archive

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty

-Winston Churchill

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The past is history. The future is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present

-Master Oogway: Kung Fu Panda

---

Eventually you have to stop looking at life and start living it!

-The Legend of Butch and Sundance

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When you focus on what you want in life, what you don't want falls away

-Rhonda Byrne: The Secret

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There's more to life than said, and there's more to me than met

-Smile Empty Soul: Bright Side

---

Brandon's First Wallpaper

I just gotta say how proud I am of my cousin. Currently he is in college learning web design and various other skills. Recently he's been working on his Photoshop skills and came up with this great wallpaper while following one of my tutorials. Just thought I would share it with the world.

First Photoshop Tutorial is Live!!

I'm totally stoked! My first tutorial has been written and is now live! Make sure to check it out on my PS Tutorial Collective blog, or on my site here.

Photoshop Tutorial Collective

On starting tutorials I decided that in addition to writing my own, I should have a collection of my favorite tutorials. Therefore, I created the Photoshop Tutorial Collective! This will be where I will link to my tutorials and lots of other wonderful tutorials that I find. Also, I will add other resources such as brushes, etc.

Since I just created it today, there's not much to look at yet =P But please check back frequently as I will be updating as much as I can. I'm resolving to add at least one tutorial per week. Hopefully more!

To get there click on this link or the one on the right hand side of the page.

Tutorials

I've had a lot of questions about how I create my wallpapers. I decided that I should write tutorials and post them on my website. I'm going to start with this new wallpaper I made.



The tutorial hasn't been written yet, but I'll re-post as soon as it's done.

The KitchenAid Transformation

One of the sites I work on is KitchenAidCookware.com. The person who originally designed it did a terrible job on everything from the structure to the overall aesthetics of the site.

A couple of months ago I had to change the image on the main page. I went a little overboard and changed it quite a bit. I just couldn't stand to look at it the way it was. So, while not having permission to redesign the site, I worked within the constructs of what I had. I think it turned out pretty good for what it was.

Recently I had to make some more changes to it and ended up with a whole new design. Unfortunately, I may not get to implement the design as I would have to redo the whole site to match the new look. That will be done, but probably not for awhile.

I'm posting the three versions of the home page so you can see the different phases the site went through. (Although the 2nd version is more like a version2.1 as I modified it again to incorporate some of the new look.)

You can click on each image to view it live. The first one is the original, second one is live now, third one is the new design.

Another W1K 3rd Place Entry

Here is another one of my entries on worth1000.com which received 3rd place. I wish I had more time as this image really had potential for 1st place. But as it was I barely got it entered before the deadline. Still not bad I think =) The contest itself is here.

New Site For a New Year

Kicking off the new year by launching our redesigned, new and improved FarberwareCookware.com site! A lot of work went into this site at the end of last year so it's great to see it finally go live.

Next on the list is the gigantic task of redesigning potsandpans.com. Hopefully it will be done by the end of the year.

Happenings at Meyer

I wanted to take a little time to talk about the work I do for Meyer Corporation. My official title is "Website Coordinator". A lot of my job involves maintaining and updating our websites, monitoring analytics creating reports, and other things that most of you might find boring.

Fortunately, I like what I do and a lot of my job involves designing things for our websites or other miscellaneous jobs. I've done a lot of work on anolon.com. Namely, the flash animation on the home page and the little boxes you find around the site (which we call touts).

I did the headers for the following pages:
Delicious Future
About Delicious Future
Slow Food USA
Farm to Table

I also do the the same type of work for circulon.com. I can't take credit for the flash on this one though. Obviously I can't list everything I do, the list would never end. The main thing on these sites though is the touts and other promotions. The rest is setting up products or other miscelanious things. My boss Dan does a ton of work on these sites too.

Another site I work on is potsandpans.com. I change the design on the main page a couple of times a month. Currently there is a Christmas theme displayed. Not my best work ever but hey, I was pressed for time.

I did some random things on kitchenaidcookware.com. I created most of the home page that exists now. I had to work within the confines of the existing design so there wasn't a lot of freedom there. Basically I modernized it. Trust me when I say that it looks a lot better now! I'm particularly happy with the buttons I created on the right hand side.

Currently I'm working on FarberwareCookware.com. I did some work on the existing site, but the whole site is undergoing a complete redesign. I'm finishing up some of the final touches (I didn't design the site). The new site will be launching next month.

Anyways, it's late and I'm tired so I'll stop here. I'm sure people are just dying to here about my job =P I'll write more about the working life of Joe Buchmann again another time =)

3rd Place Entry on W1K

Just wanted to share my recent 3rd place entry on worth1000.com. I really feel that it deserved at least second, but I'll take it.

Portraits

In this section I'm going to start posting my Photoshopped portrait layouts. My goal is to come up with several print worthy layouts to frame and hang on the wall. Of course the version I post here will be much smaller than the original file.

I started tonight with a layout for Avery

Who's the Tank!

I'm a huge fan of "Who's On First" and of course.....World of Warcraft..... and this is just too freakin' funny!


Who's The Tank - Watch more free videos

W1K Winner!

Freakin' Awesome! I just won my second contest on worth1000.com!! I'm totally stoked! Here is a compressed version of the winning entry:



And here is a link to the contest itself http://www.worth1000.com/contest.asp?contest_id=22136

Worth 1000

I wanted to write a post about a new obsession of mine. It's an awesome site called worth1000.com (http://www.worth1000.com). Basically they give you a theme and you create a piece of photoshop work around it. It's really fun.

They keep track of all your stats for everyone to see. First through third places get either medals or trophys (all virtual) and first is awarded 100 credits. The medals are for beginners and trophys for advanced entries. You use the credits to enter more contests.

So far I've gotten 1st once and 2nd once in the beginner's categories. The highest I've gotten in the advanced category is 6th (twice). They also have paid contests running most of the time. These are usually companies that are paying around $100-$300 for their top pick in logo design. I have yet to enter one of these. I think I might try one pretty soon though.

My gallery of images is available to view at http://www.worth1000.com/search.asp?search=artist:jbuchmann55

Where is Joe Buchmann?

I know....it's been a REALLY long time since my last post. When I started this blog I had intended to post at least once a week. Then life came along and said "um, not right now." lol. Actually it's more of a combination of new jobs, moving, family, .......and.... World of Warcraft. What can I say. I'm an addict. Well, not as much as I use to be though.

Since the last post referring to icon design and a job possibly doing that, I've actually obtained two completely unrelated jobs. The icon thing fell through. Probably for the best though. I started working for Motorola as a Senior Web Designer in July (which was the 5 week contract I posted about on June 20th). It turned in to an indefinite contract since they were very pleased with my work. That was a great job. I got to design all sorts of different web sites and had a lot fun doing it. The only drawback was that it remained a contract position, which meant no benefits, no guaranteed raises, no vacation, no.....well, you get the point.

So I continued to look for a permanent position. In September I interviewed for a position with a company called Meyer Corporation. (Read about it here http://www.meyer.com/). This turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. After 3 interviews I was offered the position as a website coordinator. Naturally, I accepted.

This position came with a great benefits package, 401K, immediate vacation time, and not to mention a very nice starting salary. Right from the start the people in the company welcomed me with opened arms and are quickly becoming a second family. This is a place that really cares about it's employees. The employees in turn really care about each other. At least they do in my department anyway.

I work in the Marketing department and I don't think I would have ever chosen otherwise. The marketing staff are by far the coolest and most fun people there. Not that there aren't others....they're just the best group all together.

So here I am today, enjoying my job, getting my life back together financially, and just doing better in general. In October my family and I moved to Benicia and we love it here. It's a great little town that reminds us of home (Spokane, WA), without the snow.

I guess that's where Joe Buchmann is now...in a nutshell. 'til next time.

Icon Design

Recently I had a phone interview for a position designing icons and logos. The person who interviewed me is now on vacation and will get back to me in two weeks to let me know if I get an in-person interview. In the meantime I decided to do what I seem to be good at. Learn the job!

Icon design is different than web design and things of that nature and there are rules that need to be followed. I researched the topic and found a lot of information on how to correctly design icons (as well as how not to!).

The biggest things I took out of it all were:

-Do not use text. Text has a few problems. One is that when the icon is scaled down the text is usually impossible to read. The other is that you need to consider the language barrier. If your icon is going to be seen by people that do not speak English, the text won't make any sense.

-Do not use too many images in the icon. I think a big part of icon design is to keep it simple. Too many objects in the icon will confuse the user.

-Keep a theme amongst your entire set. For continuity purposes you need to have some theme that ties your icons together. This could be color, style, angle, etc.

-Do not use unnecessary objects. If every icon in your set has the same picture in it, then you don't need it. For instance, if every icon in your set is dealing with a database, you don't need to have a database image in it.

-Don't use puns or plays on words. These won't make sense to people of other languages, or maybe even your own language. Some of them could be offensive to other cultures.

-Don't use hand gestures to point at items. Some of them could be offensive to other cultures.

There are more things to consider, but those I think are the main ones. At the top of this blog are some that I created for the company I currently work for. These icons will never be used anywhere but this company so they are very specific and wouldn't make sense to a larger audience.

That is all the time I have for now.

Song: Fade by Joe Buchmann

(Verse 01 and Chorus)
Here I thought I'd add something different. Besides being a designer, I'm a rapper/writer. Rap use to be the biggest part of my life for a lot of years. It's really a hard game to get into and be successful. It's all about connections and hoping you find those doorways that lead you to a stage. I was fortunate enough to get to perform in front of about 500+ people once. Won a DVD too =P

After having a family I decided that I needed to go to school and focus my efforts on building a career. At this point in life I realize that I won't ever become a famous rapper. The passion for writing still burns in me though. So I figure I might as well share some of it with people. I think I might somehow put my recorded songs on my website. We'll see. Anyways, this is the first verse of the most recent thing to come out of my head. Hope it comes across ok. I have no idea how it reads since it flows with a rhythm in my head.

Up here in Cali
Livin' up in the Bay yo
And I'm workin' so hard
Still I don't got no pay, no
And I'm workin' so much
Day and night drive me crazy
Yet I got no money
Pay the bills for my babies
Now I'm thinkin' maybe
It's time that I go another road
Gotta do it now
There's a better place that I better go
But I gotta find it, where
How do I get there right
Open up my eyelids
Provoke myself with a better sight
With the way I feel
I feel I got the wings to take me high
Just gotta use 'em
And get my mind into takin' flight
'Cause now I've learned in my life
As I feel I'm growin' old
That the only one that's ever
held me back is me alone
God help me now
Help me find my way and see the light
Am I doin' one thing
Anything just a little right

Cause I got this pain
(Let go)
Just wanna see it gone
It's in my brain
(My soul)
Just wanna move along
And it's such a strain
(So hard)
How do I make it right
Wanna catch a train
(Be gone)
And fade into the night