From the Ashes - My Suffering

I guess along with rebirth comes some further suffering. It's not the same as the hell she put me through before, but very difficult nonetheless. I can't help but wonder why anyone would choose to live their life by taking joy in others' pain. This is exactly the type of person my ex is. Most anyone who's reading this already knows that. If you don't know that about her yet, you will eventually.

Unfortunately, I made a very poor choice in choosing her as the mother of my children. The bright side of the bright side is that I have two very wonderful children now. I guess somehow from the pits of hell two angels can still be brought to life.

The struggle for me now is knowing that I have to fight for custody against someone who has become, quite literally, a master of manipulation. People who just meet her always fall for her "feel sorry for me" cries for pity. She then uses that to manipulate everyone around her into a web of deceit.

I've been caught up in this web for so long and so many times, it's a miracle I've managed to crawl out before completely succumbing into madness. Being on the outside of the web I see now so many things I was blind to before. I guess I just wanted to believe so badly that there was a decent person in my ex that I chose to ignore a lot. To put in the words of someone I love, "I like to see the best in people too, but you see them through rose colored glasses. You have to know when to realize that a person is not doing good things or being a good person."

I also chose to continue a relationship with my ex under the guise that it was better for the kids. Well now I see that this is not the case. My daughter is only seven and has witnessed behaviors in her own mother that no child should ever have to see. A lot of these incidents are alcohol induced, but not always.

For so long she made me feel to be less than a man by continually degrading me as a person, as a father, and as a human being. I've spent nights trapping myself in my own bedroom, covering my head with blankets and praying to God to, "Please just make her stop". Looking back this sounds kind of ridiculous, but I remember all to well how I felt on each of these occasions.

Several times I wasn't able to barricade the door so I just covered my head and prayed for it to end. It seemed to go on forever with the yelling, more drinking, more intense yelling, more drinking, and then finally when I still hadn't responded it came to her pouncing on me and physically hitting me.

Those were the longest nights of my life. I really wonder if Hell is any worse. Those are the types of things my children witnessed. Those are the types of things that are making me fight so hard to make sure they aren't raised by her full time. I don't want to imagine what kind of things they will go through if I'm not around.

I know a lot of people may wonder why I never called the police. The reason is because when we lived in Spokane and went through similar instances, I did call the police. She went to jail more than once. Upon moving to California I made a promise to never call the police on her again and I felt obligated to that promise. In hindsight, I wish I had thought differently.

On the outside and around other people, she continues to weave her webs. I believed for so long that everyone living in the apartments around us were crazy and were causing problems for my ex. Six months after moving away from that complex she had me convinced that those people were still harassing her. It was a shock (although it shouldn't have been) when I found out that nobody there even cared about her and she was doing things just to keep me feeling sorry for her.

Over the years I have shut out some good people in my life because I thought it would help my relationship with my ex. I want everyone to know that I am sorry for that and I'm so very happy that you never gave up on me. Right now I'm really leaning on all of you and you've all been there willing to help me hold up the weight. I really couldn't ask for better friends and family in this life and I hope you all know that I feel that way.

It seems so unfair that someone like me who genuinely is a good parent has to fight so hard against someone who is only concerned about themselves and retaliation, or just plain being mean. I know my ex loves the children, but I truly believe in my heart that she is not the more adequate parent to raise them. I am now praying to God that justice will prevail and I will be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true.

Making things more difficult is the fact that she has two key people willing to fight for her. One is her sister whom is so entranced by my ex's compliments and friendly behaviors toward her, that she follows my ex like a lost puppy. I have absolutely nothing against Amy, but it is too bad that she has no idea who this person really is.

The other is Gene. To repeat what someone who knows him said, "Gene? You mean that old pervert guy?!!". I have lost all respect for that man as a decent human being. I spent so many years defending him and telling everyone that he is a really good guy and just likes to help people. Boy do I feel dumb now. He is an older man (probably in his 50's) who tends to prey upon young girls in their 20's who don't have much family, or are having a lot of problems. The weak kind. I have recently found out that he is willing to lie just as much as my ex to help her win her case. In my ex's case, I think she is using him more that he is using her. But I'm sure he's getting plenty out of the deal.

All in all, this is what I'm up against. Again I thank everyone for your continued support in seeing me through this. I know a lot of this kind of rambles on, but I feel better having written it.

Much love to all of you!

P.S. After sharing the lyrics for "Blame Me" I've been told there is a more suitable song for me so I'll post those lyrics now. The funny thing is that this song has been my ringtone when my ex calls me for the past year or so. lol.

Seether: Breakdown

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye