Ashes - by Joe Buchmann

My first song inspired image. Everything in it is representative of things from the song. Let me know what you think.

Socialburn: Ashes
Here I sit
Waiting for you with a cold cup of coffee
And a burnt cigarette
That has fallen like ashes
Slowly from me
I search myself alone
Here I sit
Waiting for you with a suitcase packed
And an eight by ten
That reminds me of ashes
It's grey and faded
I search myself alone

Cause there's always somebody
Who's out there waiting for someone to take them away
If I search long enough I might find that someone
Waiting to take me away:::..yeah but not today

Here I sit
Waiting for you the sun has gone down
On a perfect day
Oh I've waited for hours
Please send someone
I search myself alone

Welcome to 2011!

I have officially dubbed this year of the Joe. This is my year =) I'll start by thinking back on a few of the highlights of 2010.

February 2010: Vegas
For my brother's 21st birthday, my parents took us to Vegas. One of the best times of my life! I couldn't even begin to go into the whole story now, but I'll definitely remember that trip for a long time. Met some interesting people, went to some cool places, had a ton of fun! Muchos Gracias to my parents for making that happen for us.

June 2010: Family Coming to Cali
Every year I eagerly await the time when my family comes down here to visit. My family meaning my Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister. This year was by far the best time we've all had since moving to Cali. We did the usual stuff (Pier 39, tooling around SF, Six Flags etc) and some fun new stuff. Visited the Redwood forest. Fun trip for all. Went to Stinson Beach. A little cold, but still fun. I got to show them where I work for the first time. That was pretty awesome too.

July 2011: Brandon Visits and Going to Washington
July was extra good because my cousin, who is basically like a brother and a best friend to me, came to visit for two weeks. Can't say we did anything extraordinary, but we did have a lot of fun. Just having him here meant the world to me. We went to Six Flags, always a good time. Stinson Beach. Even colder this time, but we were brave (or stupid) and got in the freezing water anyway. Saw some new bars, ate at some cool places, played a lot of MTG (I know, nobody needs to call us nerds. lol) and just had a good time. I'm really glad he got to come stay for that long. Plus, I had brief visit to Reno where I picked him up from the bowling tournament.

At the end of Brandon's stay we packed up for Washington. We had the privilege of staying the night at my Aunt & Uncle's (Kurt and Marty) in Sacramento the night before our flight. Very nice of them to let us do that, and much appreciated. Kept us from having to get up extra early to make that drive.

Washington was an incredible time. Some of you have seen my Drunken Diaries videos on YouTube, so you already know. Aside from the nights of partying, There was a lot of fun to be had during the day too. Being with my family and friends is the greatest thing ever. Went golfing early in the trip. Of course that's always fun. Spent some time disc golfing with Brandon, Garrett and Chad. My cousin, brother and best friend drinking and disc golfing. What more could I ask for? Maybe some disc golfing skills I guess =P We stayed at the park afterward and played volleyball with some pretty cool people. Definitely one of the best days.

Thinking back now, I got to see almost everybody I set out to see. I have to be grateful for that. It means a lot to me that everyone took time out of their busy schedules to make sure they got to hang out with me. My friends Chad, Mike and Jon are much appreciated for that. All of them were able to spend a couple of days/nights hanging out. Good Times. Thanks to all of you. And thanks to everyone else that I didn't mention here. I promise I haven't forgotten you =)

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2010:
Holidays just aren't the same without family. So I am thankful to our local family members for making this holiday season extra great for the kids and I. The Cali Busch clan had us up to Sacramento for Thanksgiving again. Always a great experience. Uncle Kurt makes a great turkey! And of course Marty makes great....well, everything! The Sharapatas were nice enough to have us over for Christmas Eve. It was really great for all of us, especially the kids. I know it was a lot more special for them to spend that time with their cousins.

My work had a huge roll in making this Christmas special. They were so incredibly awesome to purchase us a Christmas tree and some very beautiful ornaments to put on it. Not only that, many of my co-workers showed their amazing generosity to make sure we all had a great Christmas. I'm still in awe that I work for such a wonderful place. Thanks to all of you guys! If anyone hasn't seen the super cool, incredibly cute video of getting the tree yet, then you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/

New Years Eve 2010:
We spent this with my one and only real friend in this area. We had a great time hanging out with Allison and her son in Walnut Creek. Wasn't the crazy parties of my younger pre-kid days, but lots of fun nonetheless. We played lots of games, ate great food and made lots of noise at midnight. Thanks you guys for spending that time with us.

While that doesn't even come close to covering all of the good stuff in 2010, it'll have to do. Or nobody will ever read this whole thing. lol. Although I should mention that getting my new car was a huge deal for me. I've wanted a Mazda 6 for soooooo long. It was like a dream when it actually happened. So here's looking forward to having a great 2011. I foresee nothing but good things for Team Buchmann this year. I look forward to sharing many more good times with family and loved ones, as well as anyone new that may enter into my life.

Song: Today by Joe Buchmann

People seem to want
Everything that they don't have
Always looking for tomorrow
While they're living in the past
Forget about the things they've got
Forget about today
And everything it took to get it
Throw it all away
Cause it's just around the corner where
The grass is always green
On the other side that promises
To give you everything

So keep riding on this highway
On the promise of tomorrow
Searching for a rainbow
'Til you find a pot of gold
'Cause that's when everything
Will be ok and you will know
That everything is always better
Tomorrow

Memories come back again
Flashing through your mind
Now you're longing for the days
That you remembered how to smile
Another place and time
Where life's a sunny day
If you could just get back to that
Then all of this would fade away
And what's in store for you
Might not be that bad
Maybe what tomorrow brings
Is the best you ever had

So keep riding on this highway
On the promise of tomorrow
Searching for a rainbow
'Til you find a pot of gold
'Cause that's when everything
Will be ok and you will know
That everything is always better
Tomorrow

Another night alone
A drink is in your hand
Staring at the bottom
Of the bottle that you had
Then suddenly you see
And everything is clear
All the things you have right now
Are the reasons that you're here
Family and friends
A job that gives you pay
A house a car and kids
That love you every single day

So keep riding on this highway
And live your life today
Cause tomorrow's not a promise
And it might just slip away
Forget about a thousand struggles
All along the way
Cause all you need is in your hands
You will always have today

A Whole Year?!!

Wow! I just realized that an entire year has gone by and this blog has been completely neglected. That totally sucks since this has been a really great year with so much good stuff to write about. I guess I'm going to have to recap and try to remember as much as I can =P Then maybe in 2011 I'll actually keep this thing up to date! So I think what I'm going to do is just post several different topics over the next few days so that this one doesn't turn into a novel. lol.

Court.....again

Today was another day in court, reminding me how burned out I am on going to that place. Walking through those metal detectors, the not-so-fresh courthouse smell, and just the general feeling of unpleasantness that hangs in the air there.

Fortunatley though, I felt like today went in a positive direction. We were able to meet with the kids' Minors' Counsel' and have a quite lengthy discussion. I feel like she is going to be the one to finaly step in and set things right. Hopefully this will be the case. All in all though, I came out of there with a good feeling of moving forward.

Please keep the kids and I in your thoughts and prayers. We'll make it through this yet =)

Song: Hate by Joe Buchmann

(Style: Alternative Rock)

It's not what I do
But what you put me through
Has got me feeling something I don't like
'Cause now I'm hating you

You take
Everything inside
Everything that I've ever known
In my fucking life

***** *****
Chorus:
I just wanna get away from you
Take back everything that's mine
Wanna get back to who I am
Don't know if I can cross that line
Pray to God to make you see
Turn around and walk away
When you go just take with you
What you're making me feel, this...hate
***** ****

As I draw another breath to live
Head down I close my eyes
Feel the sands of my hourglass fall
And I watch you waste my life

I make it through another day
Uphill as I battle through
Swallow hard and I hide the pain
Doesn't mean a thing to you

You're blind to who you're hurting now
And how you change the path they take
Little minds that just can't fight
I hear you laugh as you watch them break

I can't take it for another day
Spread my wings and let them fly
'Cause it's more than just the world to me
To see them light up and see them smile

***** *****
Now I just wanna get away from you
Take back everything that's mine
Wanna get back to who I am
Don't know if I can cross that line
Pray to God to make you see
Turn around and walk away
When you go just take with you
What you're making me feel, this...hate
***** *****

(soft - almost spoken. emphasis on last words every other line)
Instead of wings
You'll be diggin' now
You're own grave
While you're fallin' down
Get to the bottom
Maybe then you'll see
Everything
That you lost in me
'Cause now I'm done
Hearing all your lies
Already gone
Leaving you behind......

***** *****
Now....I'm getting so far away from you
Taking back everything that's mine
Wanna get back to who I am
Now I see that I can cross that line
Pray to God someday you'll see
Turn around keep walking away
Now you're gone just keep with you
What I no longer need, this...hate
***** *****

Humor: Web Design

For web people, this is kind of funny =P

Ironic Spam

What's wrong with this picture? (click on the image)

Candy Bar Poem

I heard this on the radio today and thought it was pretty funny =P

One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit-O-Honey, so he took his old lady, Mrs. Hershey on the corner of 5th Avenue & Clark. He began to feel her Mounds and to him that was an Almond Joy, which made his Tootsie Roll! Then, he let out some Snickers and slipped his Butterfinger up her Kit-Kat, which of course caused a Milky-Way! She screamed " O-Henry! ", and she squeezed his Peter Paul , & said, "your better than the 3 Musketeers! "

Song: From the Ashez by Joe Buchmann

Chorus:
From the ashes I rise
Burned off all of your lies
And I will shed no more tears
Cause now I'm learning to fly
Everything I can see
And all you've taken from me
I see the hate that's in your eyes
Now it means nothing to me

Now that you're gone I'm singing songs
I'm landing back on my feet
I let it go I'll let you know
Just how I feel on these beats

You slept around you fucking whore
You're like a fucking disease
You drink a little meet a guy
And you get down on your knees

And I was stupid I was dumb
To let you back in my bed
Guess all the time I spent with you
Has got me fucked in the head

Never again make that mistake
Cause now I've opened my eyes
I swear to god you'll never see me
Falling over your lies

I'm moving on in my life
Another road that I've found
I look around in all directions
And you're nowhere around

And I can't even describe
How good it's making me feel
To know I never have to choke
And try to swallow your pill

Chorus:
From the ashes I rise
Burned off all of your lies
And I will shed no more tears
Cause now I'm learning to fly
Everything I can see
And all you've taken from me
I see the hate that's in your eyes
Now it means nothing to me

So many days and many nights
You had me living in hell
Prayin' to God to make it stop
And let me outta my shell

To take the bottle from your lips
And make you right in your head
So that I never come home again
to you drunk on the bed

While our kids are out swimming
All by themselves in the pool
And everybody looks at me
Like I'm a god damned fool

Cause they all know about you
Fucking with the man next door
While I'm at work without a clue
That you're a god damned whore

Well now I've seen it now I'm done
And everything that you did
Has come to light and I can see
Now I'm done with this shit

I turn around to see you fall
And hit the bottom again
I walk away forget I know
You'll hit the bottle again

Chorus:
From the ashes I rise
Burned off all of your lies
And I will shed no more tears
Cause now I'm learning to fly
Everything I can see
And all you've taken from me
I see the hate that's in your eyes
Now it means nothing to me

So now I'm hearin' that you think
I want you back and I cry
I'm stalkin' you and that I
Really give a damn for your life

You run around tellin' these lies
I'll call you out on this bitch
Playin' with fire, in my eyes
I'll watch you burn on the stick

Because I never wanted this
And I don't care for your games
You need to get yourself together
Get the hell off of me

You're probably thinkin' I'm bitter
In all these words that I say
But I can thank you for making me
Who I am today

A stronger person who's thankful
In everything that I do
Appreciation for another
That'll never be you

Chorus:
From the ashes I rise
Burned off all of your lies
And I will shed no more tears
Cause now I'm learning to fly
Everything I can see
And all you've taken from me
I see the hate that's in your eyes
Now it means nothing to me

Song: Severed Wings by Joe Buchmann

*This one is not a rap song, but more of a rock type song. Yes it's very metaphorical.....and yes, it does directly relate to things in my life.

This is the story of my life
It falls with me into the grave
And rots away with all the flesh
So no one else can feel the pain

And yet somehow it lives beyond
It never ceases to exist
I think I hope I found a way
To turn my curse into a gift

This ray of light I'm clinging to
These wings of hope I try to breed
But somehow Darkness turns to me
And makes them so damn hard to feed

***** *****
Now THIS PAIN

Is everything I AM
It's everything I'LL BE
It's everything THAT'S REAL
And everything IN ME

DAMN SHAME

I'm broken down SO FAR
That I'm begging EVERYDAY
To take it from MY LIFE
Or take me to MY GRAVE
***** *****

Now with this rope around my neck
I try to breathe another day
The knife that sits upon my shelf
It seems so close but far away

But as I choke and gasp for air
I swallow hard to hide the shame
My hand again it falls before me
One more time to feel the rain

These angels break themselves for me
And see me suffer while I cry
But in their voices I can hear
How much they need to say goodbye

***** *****
Now THIS PAIN

Is everything I AM
It's everything I'LL BE
It's everything THAT'S REAL
And everything IN ME

DAMN SHAME

I'm broken down SO FAR
That I'm begging EVERYDAY
To take it from MY LIFE
Or take me to MY GRAVE
***** *****

This beast that lives within the dark
It reaches out to clip my wings
And in it's narcissistic ways
Carouses in the pain it brings

But as the scales will start to tip
I'll take my torch and set to flames
This beast and everything it stands for
Watch it it burn and scream in vain

And in my eyes will be no sorrow
Just reflections of the scene
From a single teardrop falling
For everything it took from me

***** *****
Now THIS PAIN

Is everything I AM
It's everything I'LL BE
It's everything THAT'S REAL
And everything IN ME

DAMN SHAME

I'm broken down SO FAR
That I'm begging EVERYDAY
To take it from MY LIFE
Or take me to MY GRAVE
***** *****

99 and 1 Ways To Die By Death

For those who don't already know, my boss is an actor by night. This is a preview of his part in their upcoming play. He wrote this part himself and I think it's pretty funny.

Awwwww, QQ Some More!

It seems that Someone's feelings got hurt by reading my blog. So sad. Now she wants to try and have an order for me to remove my blog. I guess she's never heard of freedom of speech. The fact is, I haven't listed any specific details about her or any events that surround her. Only my feelings about things in my life. It just happens to be that she is part of my life, whether anyone likes it or not. I am going to take her first name out of the blog and replace it with "my ex" or "their mom". I'm just going to automate it, so if anyone reads the previous posts they may look funny in those spots. lol.

I really would love to say something like, "My ex has been great lately! She's been working well with me on this co-parenting thing and seems to be moving on in her life." Unfortunately, she hasn't given me any good things to write about yet. In her mind I'm some bad guy who's out to get her. That's really not the case. I want nothing more than for things to settle into a state of normalcy and peace. It's really up to her though to start thinking along those lines too, instead of trying to figure out how to get back at me.

Hopefully over time she will be able to come to that point where she realizes that this is about our kids and not her and I. We are going down two very different roads in life but will remain connected for quite some time. The way I view it, our kids should be the only connection between us. She should focus on excelling in her own life, as should I. Completely separate. I know it's possible for this to happen since I have met people who have done it. I also know people who have fought it out all the way until the kids were 18. Not a good route to take. Why not accept the situation for what it is and try to make the best of it?

Anyways, that's all for now.

A Nut Can Apparently Get Nuttier!

OMG! I need to vent!!! Any time I think my ex might have some sense of being normal, she goes and does crazy things! Last night she wrote me a bunch of text messages about things that don't even make sense. Apparently she thinks I'm somehow stalking her now. Wow! Who the hell would want to stalk her anyways.

Today I got a call from my lawyer informing me that she wrote him an email. The email states that she is going to ask to shorten my time with the kids based on the fact that I cancelled some dr. appointments. I did cancel a couple of appointments because she made them without my knowledge. But half of the email is made up stuff to try and justify her case. It seems she really has no end to when and what she will lie about! God help me! I seriously think she has something wrong with her head.

I guess that will teach me not to sit here in a sense of complacency in regards to anything to do with her. She's always scheming and trying to come up with her next big.....well.....lie I guess. lol.

Alexis the Artist

It seems that Lexi is developing an affinity for art, just like her daddy =) This is a self portrait she drew at school with no help from any one else. I am extremely proud and want to share it with everyone! Click on it for a larger view, or here for the full size.

From the Ashes - Learning to Fly

Life is so much different now. This is a very good thing. With all that has happened in the past couple of months and continues to happen now, I've realized one very important thing. That is the fact that no matter how hard it may be to go through this, my life has seen a 1000% improvement over what it use to be. This is the definitely the road that I needed to take, for me and for my kids. I get to see them 50% of the time now, which is so much better than the four days I had in the month and a half before the hearing.

I've also noticed a change in the kids' behavior lately too. I'm not sure exactly why, but they have been so much more well behaved. At least when they're with me anyways. I'm guessing it's because they aren't living in a battle zone anymore. My home has become a very peaceful (and clean) place to be. I'm just really happy to see that both Alexis and Avery are handling this whole custody thing very well.

For Avery I think it may be a little easier because of his young age. The biggest thing for him is that now there is a "Dad's House" and a "Mom's House". Alexis on the other hand, has a lot more to deal with. I've got to say that I am extremely proud of her for how grown up she has been. She really understands that it's not her fault, unlike a lot of children in this situation. She also seems to understand there will eventually be two families when Dad meets someone and when Mom meets someone.

Unfortunately though, she does seem to be very emotional lately. She will get upset and cry about things that she normally wouldn't have. I can't blame her for that and I try my best to remind her that things are good and we don't need to get that upset over the little stuff.

On the brighter side of things, the kids are both loving their new summer activities. I had to find daycare arrangements for the time they are with me and I'm at work. Avery has been in Pre-school for a few weeks now. It was so awesome to see how excited he was on his first day and still is every day he gets to go. He has a best friend named chris and has so much fun learning and doing all the activites they do.

Lexi is out of school for the summer and is attending Adventure Day Camp. She is also thoroughly enjoying her new summer activity. They get to swim, play sports, do arts and crafts, and so much more. Both of the kids are so happy when I pick them up after work and it makes me feel great to see them that way. I hope thier mom is able to find a way to let them attend on the days they are with her.

Currently they are in their second week of swimming lessons. This is a two week program that their mom enrolled them in, and I'm really glad she did. Lexi has been swimming since she was very little and is really good at it. Because of this they bumped her up to a more advanced class than she was originally in. Avery hasn't had as much opportunity to swim so it's really great to see him getting instruction from trained swimmers. He has a little trouble being left there with the instructors initially, but always winds up in the water and having a great time. Again, seeing how happy they are afterward always makes my day. I make it a point to go watch them even on the days they are with their mom.

So in all this I realize something. That this is an entirely new life for all of us.....and I love it! I love seeing my kids happier, I love being happier, and I really hope everything works out for their mom. If she can get past her desires to play games and focus on being a parent, then this will work out just fine for all of us. I really want my kids to be happy at my house as well as when they are with their mom. So I guess time will tell.

Till then, keep smiling and always focus on the good things in life =)

From the Ashes - Visualization

This is an image I've had in my head for awhile. Now I've finally translated it to the screen. Hope you like =) And yes....it is me in the image. Click on it to make it bigger.

From the Ashes - My Suffering

I guess along with rebirth comes some further suffering. It's not the same as the hell she put me through before, but very difficult nonetheless. I can't help but wonder why anyone would choose to live their life by taking joy in others' pain. This is exactly the type of person my ex is. Most anyone who's reading this already knows that. If you don't know that about her yet, you will eventually.

Unfortunately, I made a very poor choice in choosing her as the mother of my children. The bright side of the bright side is that I have two very wonderful children now. I guess somehow from the pits of hell two angels can still be brought to life.

The struggle for me now is knowing that I have to fight for custody against someone who has become, quite literally, a master of manipulation. People who just meet her always fall for her "feel sorry for me" cries for pity. She then uses that to manipulate everyone around her into a web of deceit.

I've been caught up in this web for so long and so many times, it's a miracle I've managed to crawl out before completely succumbing into madness. Being on the outside of the web I see now so many things I was blind to before. I guess I just wanted to believe so badly that there was a decent person in my ex that I chose to ignore a lot. To put in the words of someone I love, "I like to see the best in people too, but you see them through rose colored glasses. You have to know when to realize that a person is not doing good things or being a good person."

I also chose to continue a relationship with my ex under the guise that it was better for the kids. Well now I see that this is not the case. My daughter is only seven and has witnessed behaviors in her own mother that no child should ever have to see. A lot of these incidents are alcohol induced, but not always.

For so long she made me feel to be less than a man by continually degrading me as a person, as a father, and as a human being. I've spent nights trapping myself in my own bedroom, covering my head with blankets and praying to God to, "Please just make her stop". Looking back this sounds kind of ridiculous, but I remember all to well how I felt on each of these occasions.

Several times I wasn't able to barricade the door so I just covered my head and prayed for it to end. It seemed to go on forever with the yelling, more drinking, more intense yelling, more drinking, and then finally when I still hadn't responded it came to her pouncing on me and physically hitting me.

Those were the longest nights of my life. I really wonder if Hell is any worse. Those are the types of things my children witnessed. Those are the types of things that are making me fight so hard to make sure they aren't raised by her full time. I don't want to imagine what kind of things they will go through if I'm not around.

I know a lot of people may wonder why I never called the police. The reason is because when we lived in Spokane and went through similar instances, I did call the police. She went to jail more than once. Upon moving to California I made a promise to never call the police on her again and I felt obligated to that promise. In hindsight, I wish I had thought differently.

On the outside and around other people, she continues to weave her webs. I believed for so long that everyone living in the apartments around us were crazy and were causing problems for my ex. Six months after moving away from that complex she had me convinced that those people were still harassing her. It was a shock (although it shouldn't have been) when I found out that nobody there even cared about her and she was doing things just to keep me feeling sorry for her.

Over the years I have shut out some good people in my life because I thought it would help my relationship with my ex. I want everyone to know that I am sorry for that and I'm so very happy that you never gave up on me. Right now I'm really leaning on all of you and you've all been there willing to help me hold up the weight. I really couldn't ask for better friends and family in this life and I hope you all know that I feel that way.

It seems so unfair that someone like me who genuinely is a good parent has to fight so hard against someone who is only concerned about themselves and retaliation, or just plain being mean. I know my ex loves the children, but I truly believe in my heart that she is not the more adequate parent to raise them. I am now praying to God that justice will prevail and I will be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true.

Making things more difficult is the fact that she has two key people willing to fight for her. One is her sister whom is so entranced by my ex's compliments and friendly behaviors toward her, that she follows my ex like a lost puppy. I have absolutely nothing against Amy, but it is too bad that she has no idea who this person really is.

The other is Gene. To repeat what someone who knows him said, "Gene? You mean that old pervert guy?!!". I have lost all respect for that man as a decent human being. I spent so many years defending him and telling everyone that he is a really good guy and just likes to help people. Boy do I feel dumb now. He is an older man (probably in his 50's) who tends to prey upon young girls in their 20's who don't have much family, or are having a lot of problems. The weak kind. I have recently found out that he is willing to lie just as much as my ex to help her win her case. In my ex's case, I think she is using him more that he is using her. But I'm sure he's getting plenty out of the deal.

All in all, this is what I'm up against. Again I thank everyone for your continued support in seeing me through this. I know a lot of this kind of rambles on, but I feel better having written it.

Much love to all of you!

P.S. After sharing the lyrics for "Blame Me" I've been told there is a more suitable song for me so I'll post those lyrics now. The funny thing is that this song has been my ringtone when my ex calls me for the past year or so. lol.

Seether: Breakdown

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

Worth 1K First Place Entry

Looking back at my blog I realized I never posted my last winning entry on W1K. This was an image manipulation theme.

I turned this:


Into this:


See it on Worth 1000.

From the Ashes - My Rebirth

The past week or so has been very difficult for me and others that I love. In essence, my relationship with Lexi and Avery's mother has reached a definitive end. Now we have the painstaking task of child custody to muddle through. My hopes are for a peaceful solution, but it seems chances are slim for that.

I don't want to share any details online as to my plans or what I think may happen, but I will do my best to keep friends and family updated. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate your continued support. I feel really lucky to have so many people that care about me. Thank You!

I just listened to some lyrics that feel very fitting right now so I'm going to post them. I've also been listening to a "breakup" list that I made on playlist.com.

Adema - Blame Me
I'm always gonna be one life behind
That's why I'm all alone
What's it gonna take to make you see
That we are falling apart
I wonder can we throw away the past
So we can stop the screaming match
I'm not gonna break down anymore
I've found my way to the door

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
It's killing me it's killing me
To watch you leave me

I've tried to talk about what's really wrong
I see that look of discontent
The volume starts to rise and then it's on
That's why I have to go
Dealing with the pain is all that's left
Because we can not get along
You wanna put the blame on me again
I think that we have reached the end

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
It's killing me it's killing me
To watch you leave me

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
You keep blaming me
blaming me for what you do to me.

It's your turn to watch me leave you
It's your turn to watch me leave you
It's your turn to watch me leave you

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
It's killing me it's killing me
To watch you leave me

I can see through both of us
It's an issue over trust
You keep blaming me
blaming me for what you do to me.